A Letter To Our Families

Author: Wesley Monahan

Hi Family,

Jess and I have quite a bit to share with you all.  It’s been very difficult for us to process, it doesn’t quite seem real.  So we assume it may be a lot to process for you as well and we promise to be patient as you may have questions, concerns, or opinions.

First things first, I am gay.  I know some of you have known (Mom and Dad being the first), but I never really felt comfortable sharing it with the entire family. Then Jess and I got married and it just didn’t seem like a pressing piece of information to share.  I’ve known I was gay since I was about 16.  I wanted to be a faithful member of the church so I did my best to pray away the gay and serve an honorable full time mission and eventually marry in the temple.  Plus, I had never pursued a homosexual relationship so there was nothing keeping me from having full fellowship and rights in the church.  I slowly opened up to friends and church leaders about my orientation and went through a few rounds of conversion therapy.  The best thing seemed to be to just suppress it.  I also told Jess before we were married. We felt that our relationship had been guided and we decided to move forward with our marriage.  

A couple years into our marriage, I had felt I needed to come out publicly and Jess had no problem with that.  But I was terrified—just of everything that it could have meant—and I didn’t feel like I could really recommend a mixed orientation marriage to other people. But I knew others would ask me about it if I were to come out. In fact, I had already had conversations with other LGBTQ Mormons who wanted answers on how to have a success story like mine. I didn’t have answers and it became clear after the first few years that Jess and I, although content in our marriage for the most part, could not in good faith recommend it to others.  

We were also so busy.  I felt like I had buried so much of my experience with my sexuality in the recesses of my mind.  I knew coming out would mean unpacking a lot of baggage. I did not have time to deal with it emotionally.  Now that Jess and I have graduated, I know I cannot ignore it anymore.  I’m still as gay as ever and I need to learn to accept myself and accept what I’m experiencing.  So, before I come out publicly, I wanted the family to be informed first.

As I’ve taken this long and heartbreaking journey, I’ve realized I don’t agree with the teachings of the LDS church. I have no vendetta against the church, but I do have a lot of trauma and damaging self-hatred to shed that originally came as a result of the church’s teachings. As I’ve taken a step back, I’ve noticed an increased ability to love quicker and judge slower because I respect all humans and their experience instead of viewing them through a lens of whether or not they are on the covenant path.  This is not my denouncement of God or even my faith.  The church was a positive influence on my moral compass and physical health, but I am excited to take more spiritual journeys, to not be complacent in the idea that all truth has been discovered (or that all potential truth is funneled to one organization). I’m excited to explore other cultures, other faiths, and love deeply and fully.  I could no longer explain away the damaging things the church has canonized and occasionally redacted, because to me if it was wrong, it shouldn’t have been taught in the first place (conversion therapy being one example).  If you’d like to know more about my beliefs and my journey, I’m happy to answer questions.  Like I said, it is not my intention to attack the church/retaliate.  My beliefs just don’t currently align with those of the LDS faith.

This brings me to my last piece of news.  Jess and I are devastated to announce the end of our marriage.  I love Jess, she loves me.  But it is clear that my love for her is different than her love for me. We are best friends, but I can’t meet all of her needs and vice versa.  I have come to realize that she deserves so much more. How unfair it is that her heart could be locked and mine so split even though I have done everything in my power to nurture our marriage.  I have never been disloyal to her, but I feel guilty.  Every time she does something for me that I can’t reciprocate, every time I experience a close relationship with a male and hope deep down that they might have feelings for me too.  I have lived in denial of homosexual feelings and experiences (to protect myself and Jess’ feelings).  As Jess and I have committed to honest and open communication, we have just had way too many conversations where it is obvious that my idea of finding a woman as a romantic companion was more driven by belief in the church, and less by what I actually wanted or felt.  And it’s obvious to me that she deserves someone who can reciprocate the gift of total love and devotion that she has tried to give me.  I don’t think I’ve been a terrible husband or father, but I’ve definitely sugar coated a lot of our past conversations to protect us.  Once we began being more honest, the level of unfairness to both of us became more clear.

I remember once saying to Jess “I can’t imagine eternity with a woman”. I knew I could handle tomorrow and maybe the next day, but when I looked farther forward, it wasn’t really a joyful feeling.  We brushed it off at the time, because we were tired of being upset with each other after that conversation. We both just wanted our best friend back. But things like that just aren’t healthy to ignore any longer.

We don’t have a particular deadline on when to separate.  We still love each other and enjoy each other’s company.  Our relationship is difficult to explain because we are a good team. It’s hard to understand why we are making this decision, but as we’ve had frank and candid conversations about our future, my sexuality, etc. it’s just not functioning like a marriage should. For me, it’s not worth the pain I am causing Jess and myself. We’re still discussing what our relationship will look as we seek to remain best friends and equal parents to our beautiful daughter Nora.

Today, I attended the temple for the last time (with Jess) and I felt that we needed to take this step to be able to understand what the future might hold.  I felt that change was necessary for us and this is the best way that I know how to take that step and no longer gloss over or deny that my sexuality has been affecting our marriage.

Jess and I have mutually come to the conclusion that it’s best that I live authentically as a gay man.  I think there are people that will hear that and think “so, you’re going off the deep end, eh?”  I still believe abstinence before marriage is beautiful, And I don’t have any desire to drink alcohol/coffee, use drugs, etc.  Jess, Nora, and I are a family now and that won't change, but it will look different from most families.  We hope that this authenticity will bring us both happiness whether or not that includes future spouses. The idea of being single again is bleh, but I’m personally excited to see what it’s even like to be authentic to what I think and feel.

We ask for your courtesy in letting Jess and I pave the next parts of our path, because even we are not totally sure what it will look like.  We need time to process and remold our relationship. But, that being said, we are happy to discuss it with family members because we still need support as we do so.  Let’s talk and have candid conversations!

Thank you for your love.

We love you all and hope we can grow together.

Love,

Wesley and Jessica